Letter 31: Turning On the Lights - How to See Your Unconscious Patterns
“What are we failing to see? And what does it cost us?”
– Ronit Herzfeld
Dear Future Human,
Before we can build a new house of consciousness, we must first learn to see the walls we have been living inside. So much of our behavior is shaped by wiring we didn’t choose—patterns learned in our earliest relationships and rehearsed ever since. The mind becomes a kind of false mirror: it doesn’t reflect reality; it predicts, projecting what it expects to see and limiting what we can even notice.
Our wiring is personal, and it is also relational. It forms in families, cultures, and systems of power—and it shows up most clearly in how we speak, listen, and relate, often without awareness. This is why patterns are easiest to see in relationship, even when the work begins alone.
Nonetheless, there is some work you can do on your own. In my last letter, I spoke about cultivating the all-important Witness state. The Witness allows you to observe your inner life without collapsing into it.
Now, I am inviting you even further. Let’s look at the challenging work of exposing your own unconscious patterns to your own awareness. This may seem like a paradox; these patterns are, after all, unconscious, but there are tangible ways to begin this work.
The Paradox of Seeing What’s Unconscious
To illustrate this, let’s return again to the metaphor of the house. Imagine that when you enter the house, you have questions about how it is wired for electricity. How do the circuits flow? How are the circuits connected? Now, you know you can’t take a sledgehammer and begin breaking through walls to peer at the wires.
So what do you do? How do you start?
Your brain works the same way. It is an electrical system, wired through repetition. Patterns reveal themselves through activation. We learn what’s wired by noticing what turns on.
So that’s where we’ll begin, by looking for the switches, the triggers, to understand the pattern.
I want to introduce you to three people I’ve worked with. Their names and details have been changed, but their patterns are real, and I won’t be surprised if you recognize something of your own in at least one of them.
I’m going to show you each of them in a single ordinary moment, the kind that wouldn’t seem unusual from the outside. But inside, something very old is running them.
Marcus — Saturday Coffee
Scene: The café hums with weekend warmth—milk steaming, chairs scraping, laughter heard from the next table. Tiana wraps both hands around her mug, eyes shiny. They love my work, but I just can’t get it all done in the hours they pay me for. When I go over, they pay me, but they make me jump through a bunch of hoops first. I hate the—.
Marcus immediately leans in. Marcus: “Don’t let them push you into getting free work. These companies are profiting from the work their people do, they—”
She shakes her head gently. “I don’t even know what I want yet.”
Marcus’ jaw tightens. “Right, but there are a couple ways to approach this. If you list the options—pros and cons—then…”
Tiana withdraws—her gaze drifts to the window. She shuts down.
What is actually happening:
Trigger: Loved one in distress + ambiguity (needs to fix to feel comfortable).
Body signal: Knotted stomach, surge of energy, racing thoughts, shallow breathing.
Feelings: Anxiety, helplessness, urgency
Story: I need to fix this—I can help.
Defense/behavior: Performs expertise—advice/talking over deep listening.
Cost: Missed intimacy; Tiana feels unheard and withdraws, Marcus feels frustrated/useless.
Reinforced wound: Raised in a demanding home, “Not knowing = not enough = I will be left.” Performing once guarded against abandonment; now it blocks connection.
What Marcus couldn’t see was that Tiana wasn’t looking for solutions; she needed to be heard, not fixed.
Sofia — Tuesday Rate Email
Scene: Laptop glow. Afternoon light on the kitchen table. Sofia types $85/hr. Her stomach flips. She pictures the client frowning. Backspace. $65. Backspace. $50—happy to discuss! She adds a smiley she doesn’t feel, then hits send and covers her face with both hands.
What is actually happening:
Trigger: Knowing and naming her worth.
Body signal: Full-body contraction; inner “I am not worthy” voice.
Feelings: Shame, fear, self-doubt
Story: If I ask for too much, they will think I am greedy—I’ll lose the job.
Defense/behavior: Shrinks—softens language, apologizes with emojis.
Cost: Temporary relief → shame; loss of income.
Reinforcing wound: Raised in a controlling home, asking equaled danger; staying small kept peace.
Amara — Thursday Leadership Meeting
Scene: Conference room. Seven people. “Any new ideas?” the facilitator asks.
Amara has a clear idea; she inhales to speak. Her throat clamps. She stares at her notes, pulse loud in her ears. A colleague floats a suggestion that only addresses part of the problem. She remains frozen even though her idea addresses more of the problem. The moment passes. Later, in the parking lot, she rests her forehead on the steering wheel and lets the tears come.
What is actually happening:
Trigger: Invitation to speak in a space where challenge feels likely.
Body signal: Throat lock, freeze, words vanish
Feelings: Fear, shame, sadness
Story: I will be wrong, attacked, made fun of, rejected.
Defense/behavior: Disappears—makes herself invisible, stays silent.
Cost: Lost voice and influence; loneliness spikes.
Reinforcing wound: Raised in a neglectful home, personal and systemic silencing taught “Visibility = danger.” Invisibility once reduced harm; now it blocks contribution and belonging.
Each Pattern Follows the Same Sequence:
Something in the present triggers something from the past. The body reacts. Feelings surge. An old, familiar story begins to form. A protective movement follows. There is a cost, and the old wound feels confirmed again. See Pause.us.
Trigger → Body reacts → Feelings arise → Story explains → Defense activates → Cost accumulates → Wound reinforced.
This is your nervous system running the way it is designed to run—fast, automatic, efficient. Nothing is broken. But something is outdated.1
Until you can see the loop, you cannot interrupt it.
Awareness by itself doesn’t stop the reactivity, the pattern will still fire. But without awareness, you have no chance of intercepting it at all. You’re just being run by it, over and over, wondering why the same thing keeps happening.
Once Marcus can see his pattern and recognize he has a choice, he can begin to sense that confidence isn’t about performing expertise, but about staying present when he doesn’t yet know the answers. It’s about staying present with uncertainty—his own and Tiana’s—without needing to fix it. That’s actually what she needs from him.
Once Sofia can see hers, she can start to feel the difference between shrinking to avoid rejection and standing in what she knows she’s worth. Naming her value is honoring her worth and being with integrity. It’s respecting what she brings.
Once Amara can see hers, she begins to understand that her invisibility is keeping her isolated. Her voice is needed. Her contributions are necessary. The world loses something real when she stays silent.
How You Begin
At first, you won’t catch yourself mid-pattern. The reflexes run too fast. But you can look for this information in their aftermath, which can be a day later, a few hours later or right afterward, when you feel the regret.
Look for:
The conversation you can’t stop replaying.
The moment you snapped or withdrew.
The shame or exhaustion that lingers after.
Now trace these: Close your eyes and return to that moment.
Where were you? What time of day? Who were you with? What was the issue? What was the trigger? What sensations or feelings were present in your body? What defense took over? What wound (pain point) did it touch? What story is associated with this wound?
Write it down. These are your circuits.
Now map the whole arc:
Trigger
Body signal (sensations)
Feelings
Story
Defense
Cost
Origin
Make sure to observe your reactions as if you were observing Marcus interrupting Tiana or Sofia struggling with her fee. Would you judge them? You likely felt compassion. Bring that same quality of attention to yourself. Your patterns are history replaying itself, not a personal failure.
You can also ask friends, family, or loved ones to help you identify:
What topics or issues do you always avoid discussing with me?
What reactions are you worried about provoking?
What do you feel I’m “sensitive” about?
When do you worry about hurting my feelings or making me angry?
How do you think I will react when hurt or angry?
Over time, you will build a pattern library. You begin to recognize the common players—your top 2–3 defenses, your signature wounds. With practice, your ability to feel and identify the triggers and their patterns will move closer to the actual event.
Hours later → minutes later → during → just before.
With each circuit you trace, you loosen its grip. You minimize the pain and damage associated with the loop—creating a healthy response. With each success, your motivation grows. And with each moment of awareness, you reclaim a little more choice.
This is the slow, patient work needed for turning on the lights.
Next, we’ll learn how to work with these patterns directly in the body, where they actually live—so you’re not just seeing the circuit, but rewiring it.
With you in this work,
Ronit
Robert M. Sapolsky, “The Psychology of Stress,” Greater Good Magazine, UC Berkeley, March 2012.