Letter 30: Emotional Intelligence - Distinguishing Sensations, Feelings, and Thoughts
“The body keeps the score… we need to engage the body in healing.”
— Bessel van der Kolk
Dear Future Human,
In my previous letter, I introduced the Witness State—the capacity to observe your patterns with curiosity rather than judgment. You learned to create that critical pause between trigger and response.
But witnessing can become a trap.
When we try to think our way through what we feel—by analyzing it or putting words to it—it can feel like we’re becoming more aware. But there’s often a subtle distance there, a space away from the experience itself. We’re still doing what we learned to do as children: leaving the body when what we feel becomes intolerable.
At that moment, what we actually need is to come back down into our bodies. Letting ourselves feel. Staying with discomfort, trusting that the body knows how to move through the feelings it’s holding.
We are adults now. We can discover, through experience, that we can tolerate pain and discomfort when we understand why staying matters.
This letter is an invitation to slow down. To listen to your body. To notice what’s actually happening before the mind rushes in with its usual explanations. And to stay with what’s uncomfortable long enough to discover that it can move, loosen — on its own, without you forcing anything.
It’s also about discovering what happens when you pay attention to what you feel: your thinking gets clearer. Understanding grows out of experiencing direct reality in your body. You are learning from the inside out.
In an earlier letter, I introduced the idea that emotions are informants, your internal guidance system. Now I want to help you learn their language in your body. Most of us grew up in environments where our inner world remained unlabeled and unorganized. We were taught to identify external objects—“this is a table,” “this is a cup”—while our emotions and bodily sensations went largely unacknowledged.
Our emotions are formed in real time, from what’s happening in the body and the meaning we have learned to give those sensations. When those meanings are missing, what we feel inside can be confusing or overwhelming.1
We might say, “I feel like I could punch a wall,” or “I feel like running away.” These are the mind’s attempts to escape uncomfortable sensations. The underlying emotions—anger, fear, grief—arrive first as bodily states.
Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio puts it simply: “We are not thinking machines that feel; we are feeling machines that think.” 2
Being able to name what we’re feeling shifts our experience. Connections are made. The body relaxes a little, the mind quiets down, and what felt overwhelming begins to make sense.3
When feelings are not named, they stay in the body as tension, reactivity, restlessness, or a sense that something’s off.4
That’s why learning the body’s language matters so much. Before we can work with emotions, we have to learn how they speak. Let’s start with sensation—the raw information.
Pure sensation sounds like:
“There’s tightness in my throat.”
“My chest feels heavy.”
“Heat is rising in my face.”
“My hands are trembling.”
“My stomach is churning.”
“There’s pressure behind my eyes.”
Story-laden interpretation sounds like:
“She rejected me.”
“It’s not fair.”
“They made me angry.”
“I didn’t have time.”
Notice the difference. Sensation is direct and present-moment; story is interpretive, often blame-oriented, and pulled into the past or future. We skip to story because sensations feel vulnerable. And that vulnerability is exactly where change begins.
Philosopher and psychologist Eugene Gendlin called this pre-verbal territory the felt sense—the body’s way of knowing something before words arrive. As he put it, “What is split off, not felt, remains the same. When it is felt, it changes.”5
The practices that follow will help you stay with that felt sense long enough for something to shift.
Practices
These practices are an invitation to stay with what you’re feeling, just as it is. When you do, you give your nervous system a chance to discover it can move through experience all the way to the other side.
Practice 1: Body Scan for Emotional Awareness
This practice builds the most basic skill of embodiment: noticing what’s happening in your body and just allowing it to be there.
Step 1:
Find a quiet, comfortable space. Set a timer for up to 10 minutes (less if you’re just beginning). Close your eyes if that feels safe.
Step 2:
Bring your attention to your breath. Take two or three slow breaths, simply noticing the sensation of breathing.
Step 3:
Scan your body slowly and systematically:
feet
legs
pelvis and lower back
belly
chest and shoulders
throat, jaw, face, scalp
arms and hands
Step 4:
Name what you notice using simple, neutral language:
“I notice tightness in my shoulders.”
“I notice heaviness in my chest.”
“I notice warmth in my face.”
“I notice buzzing in my hands.”
Just notice. That’s enough.
Step 5:
If it helps, rate the intensity of the sensation from 1–10. This gives the mind something to do without taking over.
Practice this daily for one to two weeks. The nervous system learns through repetition. Over time, staying with sensation becomes more familiar, and even welcoming.
Practice 2: Watching for the “I Feel Like” Trap
Many of us say “I feel” when we are actually describing a thought, judgment, or impulse.
Notice the difference:
“I feel like you don’t care.” → Conclusion
“I feel like this isn’t fair.” → Judgment
“I feel like I should leave.” → Impulse
The underlying feelings might be: sad, angry, scared, hurt, lonely, ashamed, relieved.
When you catch yourself saying “I feel like…,” pause and ask:
What am I actually feeling?
Where do I feel it in my body?
What is the story my mind is telling?
Example:
“I feel like you’re ignoring me.”
Feeling: hurt and scared
Body: tight chest, lump in throat
Story: “I don’t matter.”
Once you can tell these apart, what you feel, where you feel it, and what your mind is making of it, things that used to collapse into confusion become clearer and more focused.
Practice 3: Tolerance — Staying With Discomfort
Healing happens when we discover we can stay with discomfort and remain safe.
Choose a mild to moderate sensation
Describe the sensation precisely: location, quality, size, movement, rhythm.
Stay with it for about 30 seconds. Just be with it.
Gently shift your attention to something neutral or pleasant.
Return to the sensation.
Repeat this cycle three to five times. Over weeks, you can gradually lengthen the time.
Each time you stay instead of fleeing, you expand your window of tolerance. What once felt overwhelming becomes workable.
Practice 4: Partner Practice (Real-Time Embodiment)
Embodiment deepens in relationship. Choose someone you feel reasonably safe with.
Share a mild frustration or emotional moment.
Your partner asks simple grounding questions:
“Where do you feel it?”
“What’s the sensation?”
“What’s the feeling?”
“What’s the story?”
They reflect back what they hear, just as it is.
Switch roles.
This practice helps you learn to stay with sensation and feeling while being seen, which strengthens both self-trust and relational trust.
Integration: How These Pieces Fit
The body scan builds awareness of sensation.
Distinguishing feelings from thoughts builds accuracy.
Tolerance builds capacity to stay.
Partner practice brings embodiment into relationship.
As you stay with sensation, emotion, or story, you may notice that experience begins to soften and reorganize on its own. When you stop running from it, it no longer has to chase you.
Common Obstacles (and How to Work With Them)
“I don’t feel anything.” Start with neutral sensations—feet, breath. Feeling
“nothing” is data; safety restores sensation over time.
“It’s overwhelming.” Shorten the intervals. Never force it.
“I keep storytelling.” Gently redirect: What am I feeling right now in my body?
“This feels selfish—I should be doing something productive.” That’s the Fraudulent Adult stepping in. Learning to be in your body is the foundation of real relationship.
The Path Forward
Coming back into the body after years of dissociation can’t be rushed. The nervous system needs patience, consistency, and enough support to feel safe staying present. I’ve seen this many times. When people stop leaving their experience and stay with it, things begin to shift. Reactivity eases. There’s more space. Old patterns begin to loosen.
You’re learning how to stay with yourself—and that changes everything.
In my next letter, we’ll work with specific patterns you can learn to witness and feel—so your responses come from alignment rather than adaptation.
But first: feel.
Come home to your body.
Trust the wisdom that’s been there all along.
With deep respect and care,
Ronit
Lisa Feldman Barrett, “How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain,” Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2017.
Antonio Damasio, "Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain," G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1994.
Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, "The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind," Delacorte Press, 2011.
Bessel van der Kolk MD, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma,” Penguin Books, 2014.